Let me just think about it.

Okay, I missed you. Alot. I had nothing to say, nothing to smile or laugh at. But I saw you everywhere, in my mind, in the chairs, here, there, and in my heart. I went through a day, though. A day with many mixed emotions, but a full 24 hours.

I wish I could say I don't feel like dying now. Because you leaving hurts, but that's not it. Let me just think about it. This pain, the one that's killing me. Because no, it's not you. It's my fault. I avoided before what I feel now in other's eyes, and now I get it back, slowly. By pieces. It's biting. It's killing me. A strong sense of malaise.

But today was diffrent from all the rest. I didn't care. I thought about you and that's all. Nothing else. Because good days don't exist. A day seems is not one if i'm not shedding a tear, leaving redness on my eyes, leaving the tears dry up on my face. It's like slamming into a brick wall with all you forces. It's  like climbing up a mountain and falling, tumbling, bleeding all the way down. No; It's probably worse. How? Because there is no sort of explanation for this.

I feel excluded, ignored, avoided. All I want to give you is my love, my laugh, my smile. But how do I get everything back? How can things go back to what normal was for me? When will my tears dry out fast enough to not be seen anymore?
So many questions without any answers. I'm afraid to ask them-even to myself. Everything seems so alone, scary. It brings back memories of the dark, the pain. The blood. The misery.

No, Thanks.
But if that's what it takes to get it all back, I'll do it. I'd risk it all. Take my life with me. To save you, to save me from myself. But I guess I have to start by saying I'm sorry. It's me. I know. I was never blaming you. I deserved it.