I'm still suffering.

I'm still scared. I'm still afraid. I'm still suffering from the pain that seems to have happened a century ago. Wanting to take back my life, the one with no uneasiness- the unease I can't stay away from. I knew this day would come, when I could finally place the last puzzle pieces together. I had them all along. I just didn't know where they needed to go. But now I do. 

I crisscross around your words, taking them in, marveling around them. They're old, but somehow new.I've heard them before, I know they're smart ways, i just hadn't heard them that strong before. That bold. Why? They came along with other words. Ones that were definitely new, and others that we're familiar but not in the way I hoped. I love them. Just as much as I love that music, the one that feeds me something, the only thing that keeps me alive still. As I've said before, half-alive. Many things bring me to tears, but the simpler ones are the one that  manage to keep inside, sobbing. What I love the most are the straight-forward things. No shortcuts, no way out. They're just there, no cutting cones. Only sharp edges. 

Let's go back to that day, that day when no one else was around. No one besides you and me. You were smiling. And I was smiling. we were smiling. Nothing was more important than that to me. But its not that day anymore. So I guess i'm not the only one putting the show on for everyone anymore. You are too. You're not showing everyone what you are actually feeling. You aren't showing ME face to face what you're feeling. I am. I'm here, in your face, telling you everything. There's not one thing about me you don't know. So listen. Please. If6 you have something to say, say it. To me. Now. I don't want to get hurt anymore. Not this way. I'm dying. Yes, silently. Laying down on a table, arms together, hunched over to the side. Legs bent together. Eyes shut tight. I'm still suffering.